Writing action scenes can be downright murderous. A million things are happening at once and we have to tell it all word by word by word, left to right across a blank page. Unlike TV and the big screen, we don’t have music, lighting, camera angles, or audio to delivery our action. We don’t have movement, costumes, or set designs like theatre has. We don’t have differing brush strokes and a palette of colours like the painter. We have words. Words and punctuation, and if we have a magnanimous editor, perhaps the odd bold or italic and maybe even an exclamation mark.
So how can we effective transcribe an action scene?
Tip #1: Use short sentences. I was surprised to learn this. It goes against instinct.
If a million things are happening and everything is quickly changing as one thing is leading to another and then he grabs her and next he throws her onto the bed while her friend runs for help—an author can’t help but want to get it all down without stopping and breathing….
A million things are happening. He grabs her and tosses her to the bed. Agatha runs for help. The short sentences speed up the writing. The periods add punch. There is no doubt in the reader’s mind that this page has action.
Tip #2: Within sentences, write things in the order they occur. What this does is allow readers to form continuous streams of visual images from your words. If the reader has to go back and correct their mental images to add new information, it slows the pace of the story and may become so distracting that readers will abandoned your story.
The lead pencil broke because she was pushing so hard on it.
She pushed so hard on the pencil, the lead broke.
The dog barked and barked and barked as soon as the coyotes started howling.
When the coyotes started howling, the dog began to bark (and bark and bark).
Tip #3: scrap the words “then” “as” “next” “while” to indicate the order of action. If you diligently follow tip #2, this tip will be easy to follow. Readers will get used to your rhythm and understand that things are following chronologically. You therefore don’t need those words.
He grabbed her and then threw her onto the bed after she said, “I don’t love you.” Meanwhile, Agatha ran for help.
“I don’t love you,” she said. He threw her onto the bed. Agatha ran for help.
Tip #4: To keep your writing tight, the action moving, the emotion intense-- watch diligently for repeated words, unnecessary words, “ing words”, and clichés.
He threw her [down] onto the bed. Then bend[ing] [down] over her, he said [as cool as a cucumber], “I don’t love you, either.”
He threw her onto the bed and bent over her. His eyes narrowed. His brows lifted. His lips slowly parted. “I don’t love you, either.”
Tip # 4: Choose your point of view and stick with it—if not for the entire scene, at least for a reasonable amount of time. This will allow your readers to create those continuous visual images and also encourages your readers to connect deeply with the character through which they are experiencing the action.
She stared into his eyes, terrified. He was wondering what he should do next. Agatha was sure the police would arrive to find blood.
Terrified, she stared into his eyes. She thought she saw a flicker of uncertainty behind the blue. Perhaps, she wasn’t going to die.
If you have an action scene as your opening chapter, boy—do you have your work cut out for you!
Coming next…the challenges involved in writing an opening chapter.
Eileen Schuh,Canadian writerwww.eileenschuh.com
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Top Tips for Novice Novelists: Dialogue Tags
He said...She said...They said & we wept--Excuse me, ma’am, your dialogue tags are showing.
Someone criticized my example of bad writing in my 5 Tiny Tips blog. He said it was ‘contrived’.
Until that, I had been so proud of myself for coming up with four sentences that demonstrated five common writing errors—yet still made sense. *sigh* I promise I’ll write badly much better this time.
Dialogue tags refer to who is saying what and dialogue beats are words describing how they are saying it. Tags and beats glue written conversations to the story and sometimes serve to advance the plot and enhance the characters.
I use lots of dialogue in my novels and I’ve been criticised for not having enough tags and also for having too many. It’s more common for editors to complain about too many tags. Leave it up to me, though, to do the uncommon.
“Don’t go!” he said. The simple “he said”/”she said” is touted as one of the best tags, if one must use tags. It is basically invisible to the reader. That is, it doesn’t interfere with the flow of images that the written words are creating in readers’ minds. I’m not as enthralled with the ‘he/she said’ as the experts. To me, this sentence needs more than just an exclamation mark to convey its meaning. It says more if I add a beat, like ‘warned’ to the tag.
“Don’t go!” he warned. “Don’t go!” he shouted. “Don’t go!” he screamed. “Don’t go!” he ordered. Warned, shouted, screamed, and ordered are distinct behaviours. They contain important information that will make a big difference to a reader’s understanding of the story.
“Don’t go,” he screamed. The common advice I’ve received is that if I tell you he screamed I don’t need an exclamation mark. However, in my opinion, deleting the exclamation mark in favour of the beat, delays the emotional connotation too long. By the time readers get to the ‘screamed’ part of the sentence, they’ve already heard the words in their heads—and without an exclamation mark it’s not likely they’ve imagined that the words were spoken loudly. One thing that really frustrates readers is being forced to revise their mental images. Readers want their images to unfold smoothly—like movies playing in their heads.
Purists hate exclamation marks, but how else can I reveal the angst and anger driving my characters’ conversations? How can I accurately describe to my readers, the words of men who have booming, reverberating, baritone voices?
Rearranging the sentence might work to delete the dreaded exclamation mark. What do you think? Which reads smoothest?
He screamed, “Don’t go.”
He screamed, “Don’t go!”
Despite the common advice to severely limit dialogue tags, beats and exclamation marks, I use them. Like I said, a large part of my story telling is done with dialogue and it is imperative I convey the emotional intensity accompanying the words.
“Don’t go,” she pleaded.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
“Don’t! Go!”
Describing nonverbal communication behaviours is a technique that can be used as an alternative to beats. Many prefer these descriptions to beats, and use them exclusively, believing this technique fulfills the writer’s mandate to show, not tell.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Don’t go.”
He clenched his fists and stepped between her and the door. “Don’t go!”
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.”
Whatever your personal beliefs about tags and beats, keep in mind that few things annoy readers more than having to count back through sentences to determine which person is saying what. If a conversation is lengthy and you don’t want to use tags, please use something to clue me in about who is speaking.
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.” (indicating gender can be a clue)
“But, Charles, you know that I must.” (name-dropping works)
“That ain’t true.” (dialects are a dead give-away)
“It is.” She wiped a curl from her cheek. (This is an example of an ‘action tag’. Be wary of using too many action tags. They can exhaust readers and detract from the dialogue.)
He limped to the window and stared at the traffic below. “Don’t go.” (For variety, throw in some physical clues, habits, scents, etc.)
In a roomful of men, perhaps one smokes, one has a beard, one an accent—distinctive characteristics that can be woven into the conversation in lieu of dialogue tags. “Don’t go.” A puff of blue smoke followed his words across the room.
I suggest writers quit worrying about the prevalence, benefits, or detriments of dialogue tags and beats and just make sure their writing (whether it is dialogue or otherwise) includes a variety of sentence structures and minimal word repetition. Those two things, more than all else, will ensure their writing flows.
“That’s it for this blog,” Eileen said. She glanced at her watch and grimaced. “I must get to bed before the sun rises.”
Help! So much is happening all at once and I have to translate it one word at a time...
Some tips on writing effective action scenes...coming soon.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
Someone criticized my example of bad writing in my 5 Tiny Tips blog. He said it was ‘contrived’.
Until that, I had been so proud of myself for coming up with four sentences that demonstrated five common writing errors—yet still made sense. *sigh* I promise I’ll write badly much better this time.
Dialogue tags refer to who is saying what and dialogue beats are words describing how they are saying it. Tags and beats glue written conversations to the story and sometimes serve to advance the plot and enhance the characters.
I use lots of dialogue in my novels and I’ve been criticised for not having enough tags and also for having too many. It’s more common for editors to complain about too many tags. Leave it up to me, though, to do the uncommon.
“Don’t go!” he said. The simple “he said”/”she said” is touted as one of the best tags, if one must use tags. It is basically invisible to the reader. That is, it doesn’t interfere with the flow of images that the written words are creating in readers’ minds. I’m not as enthralled with the ‘he/she said’ as the experts. To me, this sentence needs more than just an exclamation mark to convey its meaning. It says more if I add a beat, like ‘warned’ to the tag.
“Don’t go!” he warned. “Don’t go!” he shouted. “Don’t go!” he screamed. “Don’t go!” he ordered. Warned, shouted, screamed, and ordered are distinct behaviours. They contain important information that will make a big difference to a reader’s understanding of the story.
“Don’t go,” he screamed. The common advice I’ve received is that if I tell you he screamed I don’t need an exclamation mark. However, in my opinion, deleting the exclamation mark in favour of the beat, delays the emotional connotation too long. By the time readers get to the ‘screamed’ part of the sentence, they’ve already heard the words in their heads—and without an exclamation mark it’s not likely they’ve imagined that the words were spoken loudly. One thing that really frustrates readers is being forced to revise their mental images. Readers want their images to unfold smoothly—like movies playing in their heads.
Purists hate exclamation marks, but how else can I reveal the angst and anger driving my characters’ conversations? How can I accurately describe to my readers, the words of men who have booming, reverberating, baritone voices?
Rearranging the sentence might work to delete the dreaded exclamation mark. What do you think? Which reads smoothest?
He screamed, “Don’t go.”
He screamed, “Don’t go!”
Despite the common advice to severely limit dialogue tags, beats and exclamation marks, I use them. Like I said, a large part of my story telling is done with dialogue and it is imperative I convey the emotional intensity accompanying the words.
“Don’t go,” she pleaded.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
“Don’t! Go!”
Describing nonverbal communication behaviours is a technique that can be used as an alternative to beats. Many prefer these descriptions to beats, and use them exclusively, believing this technique fulfills the writer’s mandate to show, not tell.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Don’t go.”
He clenched his fists and stepped between her and the door. “Don’t go!”
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.”
Whatever your personal beliefs about tags and beats, keep in mind that few things annoy readers more than having to count back through sentences to determine which person is saying what. If a conversation is lengthy and you don’t want to use tags, please use something to clue me in about who is speaking.
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.” (indicating gender can be a clue)
“But, Charles, you know that I must.” (name-dropping works)
“That ain’t true.” (dialects are a dead give-away)
“It is.” She wiped a curl from her cheek. (This is an example of an ‘action tag’. Be wary of using too many action tags. They can exhaust readers and detract from the dialogue.)
He limped to the window and stared at the traffic below. “Don’t go.” (For variety, throw in some physical clues, habits, scents, etc.)
In a roomful of men, perhaps one smokes, one has a beard, one an accent—distinctive characteristics that can be woven into the conversation in lieu of dialogue tags. “Don’t go.” A puff of blue smoke followed his words across the room.
I suggest writers quit worrying about the prevalence, benefits, or detriments of dialogue tags and beats and just make sure their writing (whether it is dialogue or otherwise) includes a variety of sentence structures and minimal word repetition. Those two things, more than all else, will ensure their writing flows.
“That’s it for this blog,” Eileen said. She glanced at her watch and grimaced. “I must get to bed before the sun rises.”
Help! So much is happening all at once and I have to translate it one word at a time...
Some tips on writing effective action scenes...coming soon.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
Top Tips for Novice Novelists: Dialogue Tags
He said...She said...They said & we wept--Excuse me, ma’am, your dialogue tags are showing.
Someone criticized my example of bad writing in my 5 Tiny Tips blog. He said it was ‘contrived’. Until he said that, I had been so proud of myself for coming up with four sentences that illustrated five common writing errors—yet still made sense. *sigh*
I promise I’ll write badly much better this time.
I am deleting my definitions of dialgue tags, action tags, dialogue beats, and action beats since there appears to be much disagreement over this. Suffice to say, I am talking about the words writers use to describe who is saying something and how they are saying it. These words are used to glue written conversations to the story and sometimes to advance the plot and reveal characters.
I use lots of dialogue in my novels. Years ago an editor criticized my lack of diaglogue tags. It is more common for editors to complain about too many tags. Leave it up to me, though, to do the uncommon.
I must have over-compensated, because I now get criticised for using too many tags.
“Don’t go!” he said. The simple “he said”/”she said” is touted as one of the best tags, if one must use tags. It is basically invisible to the reader. That is, it doesn’t interfere with the flow of images that the written words are creating in readers’ minds. I’m not as enthralled with the ‘he/she said’ tags as the experts are. To me, this sentence needs more than just an exclamation mark to convey its meaning. It says more if I use a word like ‘warned’ in the attribution.
“Don’t go!” he warned. “Don’t go!” he shouted. “Don’t go!” he screamed. “Don’t go!” he ordered. Warned, shouted, screamed, and ordered are distinct behaviours. They contain important information that will make a big difference to a reader’s understanding of the story.
“Don’t go,” he screamed. The common advice I’ve received is that if I tell you he screamed I don’t need an exclamation mark. However, in my opinion, deleting the exclamation mark delays the emotional connotation too long. By the time readers get to the ‘screamed’ part of the sentence, they’ve already heard the words in their heads—and without an exclamation mark it’s not likely they’ve imagined that the words were spoken loudly. One thing that really frustrates readers is being forced to revise their mental images. Readers want their images to unfold smoothly—like movies playing in their heads.
Purists hate exclamation marks, but how else can I reveal the angst and anger driving my characters’ conversations? How can I accurately describe to my readers, the words of men who have booming, reverberating, baritone voices?
Rearranging the sentence might work to delete the dreaded exclamation mark. What do you think? Which reads smoothest?
He screamed, “Don’t go.”
He screamed, “Don’t go!”
Despite the common advice to severely limit dialogue tags,attributions, beats, creative adverbs,substitutions for "said", and exclamation marks, I use them. Like I said, a large part of my story telling is done with dialogue and it is imperative I convey the emotional intensity accompanying the words.
“Don’t go,” she pleaded.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
“Don’t! Go!”
Describing nonverbal communication behaviours is a technique that can be used as an alternative to 'he said/she said'. You might notice that this technique fulfills the writer’s mandate to show, not tell. It makes dialogue more dynamic--enabling conversations to advance the plot, deepen characterizations, and help set the scene.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Don’t go.”
He clenched his fists and stepped between her and the door. “Don’t go!”
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.”
Whatever your personal beliefs about tags and beats, keep in mind that few things annoy readers more than having to count back through sentences to determine which person is saying what. If a conversation is lengthy and you don’t want to use tags, please use something to clue me in about who is speaking.
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.” (indicating gender can be a clue)
“But, Charles, you know that I must.” (name-dropping works, especially in two-person conversations)
“That ain’t true.” (dialects are a dead give-away)
“It is.” She wiped a curl from her cheek. (Some would call this an example of an ‘action tag’. Be wary of using too many action tags. They can exhaust readers and detract from the dialogue.)
He limped to the window and stared at the traffic below. “Don’t go.” (For variety, throw in some physical clues, habits, scents, etc.)
In a roomful of men, perhaps one smokes, one has a beard, one an accent—distinctive characteristics that can be woven into the conversation in lieu of dialogue tags.
“Don’t go.” A puff of blue smoke followed his words across the room.
I suggest writers quit worrying about the prevalence, benefits, and pitfalls of dialogue tags and just make sure their writing (whether it is dialogue or otherwise) includes a variety of sentence structures and minimal word repetition. Those two things, more than all else, will ensure their writing flows.
For indepth information on techniques for writing great dialogue, read this article by the great Canadian author and book marketing coach, Cheryl Kaye Tardif.
Writing Dialogue That Speaks Volumes
“That’s it for this blog,” Eileen said. She glanced at her watch and grimaced. “I must get to bed before the sun rises.”
* * *
Help! So much is happening all at once and I have to write it one word at a time...
Some tips on writing effective action scenes...coming soon.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
Someone criticized my example of bad writing in my 5 Tiny Tips blog. He said it was ‘contrived’. Until he said that, I had been so proud of myself for coming up with four sentences that illustrated five common writing errors—yet still made sense. *sigh*
I promise I’ll write badly much better this time.
I am deleting my definitions of dialgue tags, action tags, dialogue beats, and action beats since there appears to be much disagreement over this. Suffice to say, I am talking about the words writers use to describe who is saying something and how they are saying it. These words are used to glue written conversations to the story and sometimes to advance the plot and reveal characters.
I use lots of dialogue in my novels. Years ago an editor criticized my lack of diaglogue tags. It is more common for editors to complain about too many tags. Leave it up to me, though, to do the uncommon.
I must have over-compensated, because I now get criticised for using too many tags.
“Don’t go!” he said. The simple “he said”/”she said” is touted as one of the best tags, if one must use tags. It is basically invisible to the reader. That is, it doesn’t interfere with the flow of images that the written words are creating in readers’ minds. I’m not as enthralled with the ‘he/she said’ tags as the experts are. To me, this sentence needs more than just an exclamation mark to convey its meaning. It says more if I use a word like ‘warned’ in the attribution.
“Don’t go!” he warned. “Don’t go!” he shouted. “Don’t go!” he screamed. “Don’t go!” he ordered. Warned, shouted, screamed, and ordered are distinct behaviours. They contain important information that will make a big difference to a reader’s understanding of the story.
“Don’t go,” he screamed. The common advice I’ve received is that if I tell you he screamed I don’t need an exclamation mark. However, in my opinion, deleting the exclamation mark delays the emotional connotation too long. By the time readers get to the ‘screamed’ part of the sentence, they’ve already heard the words in their heads—and without an exclamation mark it’s not likely they’ve imagined that the words were spoken loudly. One thing that really frustrates readers is being forced to revise their mental images. Readers want their images to unfold smoothly—like movies playing in their heads.
Purists hate exclamation marks, but how else can I reveal the angst and anger driving my characters’ conversations? How can I accurately describe to my readers, the words of men who have booming, reverberating, baritone voices?
Rearranging the sentence might work to delete the dreaded exclamation mark. What do you think? Which reads smoothest?
He screamed, “Don’t go.”
He screamed, “Don’t go!”
Despite the common advice to severely limit dialogue tags,attributions, beats, creative adverbs,substitutions for "said", and exclamation marks, I use them. Like I said, a large part of my story telling is done with dialogue and it is imperative I convey the emotional intensity accompanying the words.
“Don’t go,” she pleaded.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
“Don’t! Go!”
Describing nonverbal communication behaviours is a technique that can be used as an alternative to 'he said/she said'. You might notice that this technique fulfills the writer’s mandate to show, not tell. It makes dialogue more dynamic--enabling conversations to advance the plot, deepen characterizations, and help set the scene.
Tears streamed down her cheeks. “Don’t go.”
He clenched his fists and stepped between her and the door. “Don’t go!”
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.”
Whatever your personal beliefs about tags and beats, keep in mind that few things annoy readers more than having to count back through sentences to determine which person is saying what. If a conversation is lengthy and you don’t want to use tags, please use something to clue me in about who is speaking.
He grabbed her elbow. “Don’t go.” (indicating gender can be a clue)
“But, Charles, you know that I must.” (name-dropping works, especially in two-person conversations)
“That ain’t true.” (dialects are a dead give-away)
“It is.” She wiped a curl from her cheek. (Some would call this an example of an ‘action tag’. Be wary of using too many action tags. They can exhaust readers and detract from the dialogue.)
He limped to the window and stared at the traffic below. “Don’t go.” (For variety, throw in some physical clues, habits, scents, etc.)
In a roomful of men, perhaps one smokes, one has a beard, one an accent—distinctive characteristics that can be woven into the conversation in lieu of dialogue tags.
“Don’t go.” A puff of blue smoke followed his words across the room.
I suggest writers quit worrying about the prevalence, benefits, and pitfalls of dialogue tags and just make sure their writing (whether it is dialogue or otherwise) includes a variety of sentence structures and minimal word repetition. Those two things, more than all else, will ensure their writing flows.
For indepth information on techniques for writing great dialogue, read this article by the great Canadian author and book marketing coach, Cheryl Kaye Tardif.
Writing Dialogue That Speaks Volumes
“That’s it for this blog,” Eileen said. She glanced at her watch and grimaced. “I must get to bed before the sun rises.”
* * *
Help! So much is happening all at once and I have to write it one word at a time...
Some tips on writing effective action scenes...coming soon.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
Friday, March 26, 2010
5 Tiny Tips
I was told that authors’ blogs, in addition to promoting their books and skills, generally provide tips to writers. However, as I have not succeeded in publishing a novel I was reluctant to offer advice. Surely, I thought, my readers would rightfully question my qualifications. Perhaps they’d be inclined to do the opposite of what I suggest, believing that doing so would give them a better chance at a successful writing career.
However, yesterday as I read the opening chapters of novel submissions on the Harper Collins Authonomy website ( http://www.authonomy.com ) it struck me that I’ve learned a fair amount in the past few months. A lot of it simple stuff, but stuff that makes a manuscript shine. Stuff that makes readers/agents/editors choose one story over the thousands out there.
I was once, not too long ago, of the opinion that if one wrote a great story, with a great plot and awesome characters, publishers would buy it and pay an editor to fix up one's writing. Needless to say, I’ve changed my mind. To catch anybody’s eye, one’s writing must shine. It must glisten.
Excellent, powerful, polished writing is more likely to garner a publishing contract than great plots and loveable characters.
Why? Pretend you are an editor with five hundred manuscript submissions on your desk. Or, imagine you’re a reader in a bookstore, thumbing through books looking for one to buy. You choose one and open it to the first page:
Okay. So you might be really interested in why Eileen thinks she’s special and what Cheryl said to piss her off. But the writing…is awful!
Five simple things that I’ve learned lately:
#1: use ‘ing’ words sparingly. Although there is nothing intrinsically or grammatically wrong with them, too many slow the pace of the story. I'm speaking of 'ing' words like turning (2), heading, stepping, talking, placing, rising… (Wow! Seven out of the 62 words in the above excerpt are ‘ing’ words.)
#2: watch for repetition of words (In the above four sentences, I twice used ‘turning’ and ‘around’)
#3: get rid of useless words (people can turn instead of turning around. They can rise instead of rising up)
#4: replace clichés with wonderful, powerful phrases that are uniquely yours. For 50 years your readers have been imagining angry wet hens. Today, they pick up your story wanting to experience novelty, participate in adventure, live in a world different than the one with angry hens--the one in which they’ve been living for 50 years.
#5: Within a sentence, tell your readers things in the order that they happened. Readers are using your words to create images in their minds. A good writer ensures her readers can proceed smoothly from one image to the next without having to re-create images to accommodate new information.
So, you set that book down, pick up the next one, open it to the front page and start reading. (Instead of “You start reading the front page of the next book, having set the first one down and opened the second.”)
Same story. Same characters. Same setting. Fifty-six vs 62 words. (That would be a difference of six thousand or more words over the length of a novel) Which story would you choose to read?
I invite you to peruse the many novels on the Harper Collins Authonomy website. This site provides writers a great opportunity to study the differences between well-written manuscripts and novice attempts. Anybody can read the books posted by authors. If you register, you can also vote and leave comments.
I'd love you to read the opening chapters of my novel, FIREWALLS, on Authonomy. Let me know what you think: http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=18428
______________________________________________
"He said...She said...They said & we wept--Excuse me, ma’am, your dialogue tags are showing."
Some more tips for the novice writer coming soon!
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
However, yesterday as I read the opening chapters of novel submissions on the Harper Collins Authonomy website ( http://www.authonomy.com ) it struck me that I’ve learned a fair amount in the past few months. A lot of it simple stuff, but stuff that makes a manuscript shine. Stuff that makes readers/agents/editors choose one story over the thousands out there.
I was once, not too long ago, of the opinion that if one wrote a great story, with a great plot and awesome characters, publishers would buy it and pay an editor to fix up one's writing. Needless to say, I’ve changed my mind. To catch anybody’s eye, one’s writing must shine. It must glisten.
Excellent, powerful, polished writing is more likely to garner a publishing contract than great plots and loveable characters.
Why? Pretend you are an editor with five hundred manuscript submissions on your desk. Or, imagine you’re a reader in a bookstore, thumbing through books looking for one to buy. You choose one and open it to the first page:
“I don’t believe you said that,” Eileen said, turning around and heading toward the door. She was as angry as a wet hen.
“You better believe it,” Cheryl said, rising up and stepping toward her from behind her rich, red mahogany desk.
“You do realize who you are talking to?” Eileen asked, placing her hand around the brass doorknob and turning it.
Okay. So you might be really interested in why Eileen thinks she’s special and what Cheryl said to piss her off. But the writing…is awful!
Five simple things that I’ve learned lately:
#1: use ‘ing’ words sparingly. Although there is nothing intrinsically or grammatically wrong with them, too many slow the pace of the story. I'm speaking of 'ing' words like turning (2), heading, stepping, talking, placing, rising… (Wow! Seven out of the 62 words in the above excerpt are ‘ing’ words.)
#2: watch for repetition of words (In the above four sentences, I twice used ‘turning’ and ‘around’)
#3: get rid of useless words (people can turn instead of turning around. They can rise instead of rising up)
#4: replace clichés with wonderful, powerful phrases that are uniquely yours. For 50 years your readers have been imagining angry wet hens. Today, they pick up your story wanting to experience novelty, participate in adventure, live in a world different than the one with angry hens--the one in which they’ve been living for 50 years.
#5: Within a sentence, tell your readers things in the order that they happened. Readers are using your words to create images in their minds. A good writer ensures her readers can proceed smoothly from one image to the next without having to re-create images to accommodate new information.
So, you set that book down, pick up the next one, open it to the front page and start reading. (Instead of “You start reading the front page of the next book, having set the first one down and opened the second.”)
“I don’t believe you said that!” Eileen shouted. She spun away and headed to the door. The acrid scent of anger trailed her.
Cheryl slowly rose and stepped from behind her rich, red mahogany desk. “You better believe it.”
Eileen paused, her fingers wrapped tightly around the brass knob. “You do realize to whom you’re talking?”
Same story. Same characters. Same setting. Fifty-six vs 62 words. (That would be a difference of six thousand or more words over the length of a novel) Which story would you choose to read?
I invite you to peruse the many novels on the Harper Collins Authonomy website. This site provides writers a great opportunity to study the differences between well-written manuscripts and novice attempts. Anybody can read the books posted by authors. If you register, you can also vote and leave comments.
I'd love you to read the opening chapters of my novel, FIREWALLS, on Authonomy. Let me know what you think: http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=18428
______________________________________________
"He said...She said...They said & we wept--Excuse me, ma’am, your dialogue tags are showing."
Some more tips for the novice writer coming soon!
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
Monday, March 15, 2010
Past and Present Tensions
“I’m sorry,” he said and something about the slant of the spring sun coming in low through the window…perhaps something about the way it flattened itself across the oblate kitchen table… Or was it something in the long shadows that the mellow sun was casting behind me, across the floor and up the wall? Or was it something subliminal, hidden in the ticking of the mantle clock?
Something transported me back in time… Something.
“I’m sorry,” the old man was saying. He smelled like fresh-rolled tobacco and week-old cigarette smoke. He smelled of axle grease and musty hay and warm milk straight from the cow’s udder. He smelled like my father. The bed springs creaked. He rolled me toward him, tightly, so that his shirt buttons dinted my cheek. “It’s all right, now,” he was saying. “You’ll be okay.”
His wrist is pressed against my ear. His watch is ticking. “I’m sorry. Papa’s sorry.”
“Do you still love me?” my husband says.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
“I love you,” my father says. An hour later the sun has set. The lantern’s lit. The family sits around the supper table. Father still smells like axel grease and canned tobacco. He is smiling at us all. Mother says please and thank you and passes the bread and dishes out dollops from the hot bowls.
I’m wondering if nothing happened upstairs. I’m thinking that maybe things without words aren’t real. I smile and pass Papa the potatoes. I say, “You’re welcome” and eat everything on my plate. The sun sets and he wanders to the barn, the glow of his cigarette tracing his path in the dark. I heat the water, wash the dishes, and dump the slop. Before he gets back with the milk, I am in bed. I will sleep. In the morning, the sun will rise just as I put my feet on the floor. I will slip on my school clothes, eat porridge beside him, and wave goodbye as I run to the bus. Because he is sorry and nothing happened yesterday upstairs in the low mellow March sun.
“Shadri? Shadri? I’m sorry! Please, talk to me!” Please talk to me and smile and pass me my cigarettes and pretend nothing happened. Please? Because I said I’m sorry. Can I touch you? Can I kiss you? Can I make you feel better?
“Would you like some coffee? I’ll make some. Please, sit…”…in the mellow low spring sun and cast your long shadow behind you back in time while the clock ticks. “Shadri?”
He’s sorry for what? For hitting? Hitting too hard? Too often? For hurting? For not stopping? For what happened next? For keeping secrets? Maybe it's just money. His money. His secret. Maybe he is sorry.
“Shadri, I didn’t mean…”
Didn’t mean… Didn’t realize… Let me comfort… Let me hold… Let me wipe tears… silence your sobs… hold you… touch you… whisper…
“Shadri, come here. Give me a hug! Forgive me…”
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
“Can I kiss you? Can I hold you? Can I touch you? Can I rub you? Can I make it better? Will you kiss me?
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
I’m sorry do you love me here’s your coffee I love you pass the potatoes please look in my eyes please sit please forgive smile you’re all right it’s okay I love you please put your fingers here...
Nothing happened, okay?
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
Something transported me back in time… Something.
“I’m sorry,” the old man was saying. He smelled like fresh-rolled tobacco and week-old cigarette smoke. He smelled of axle grease and musty hay and warm milk straight from the cow’s udder. He smelled like my father. The bed springs creaked. He rolled me toward him, tightly, so that his shirt buttons dinted my cheek. “It’s all right, now,” he was saying. “You’ll be okay.”
His wrist is pressed against my ear. His watch is ticking. “I’m sorry. Papa’s sorry.”
“Do you still love me?” my husband says.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
“I love you,” my father says. An hour later the sun has set. The lantern’s lit. The family sits around the supper table. Father still smells like axel grease and canned tobacco. He is smiling at us all. Mother says please and thank you and passes the bread and dishes out dollops from the hot bowls.
I’m wondering if nothing happened upstairs. I’m thinking that maybe things without words aren’t real. I smile and pass Papa the potatoes. I say, “You’re welcome” and eat everything on my plate. The sun sets and he wanders to the barn, the glow of his cigarette tracing his path in the dark. I heat the water, wash the dishes, and dump the slop. Before he gets back with the milk, I am in bed. I will sleep. In the morning, the sun will rise just as I put my feet on the floor. I will slip on my school clothes, eat porridge beside him, and wave goodbye as I run to the bus. Because he is sorry and nothing happened yesterday upstairs in the low mellow March sun.
“Shadri? Shadri? I’m sorry! Please, talk to me!” Please talk to me and smile and pass me my cigarettes and pretend nothing happened. Please? Because I said I’m sorry. Can I touch you? Can I kiss you? Can I make you feel better?
“Would you like some coffee? I’ll make some. Please, sit…”…in the mellow low spring sun and cast your long shadow behind you back in time while the clock ticks. “Shadri?”
He’s sorry for what? For hitting? Hitting too hard? Too often? For hurting? For not stopping? For what happened next? For keeping secrets? Maybe it's just money. His money. His secret. Maybe he is sorry.
“Shadri, I didn’t mean…”
Didn’t mean… Didn’t realize… Let me comfort… Let me hold… Let me wipe tears… silence your sobs… hold you… touch you… whisper…
“Shadri, come here. Give me a hug! Forgive me…”
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
“Can I kiss you? Can I hold you? Can I touch you? Can I rub you? Can I make it better? Will you kiss me?
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
I’m sorry do you love me here’s your coffee I love you pass the potatoes please look in my eyes please sit please forgive smile you’re all right it’s okay I love you please put your fingers here...
Nothing happened, okay?
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Eileen Schuh,
Canadian writer
www.eileenschuh.com
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